How to Increase Love in a Relationship: The Honest Guide Nobody Talks About

How to increase love in a relationship — it sounds like such a simple question, doesn’t it? You’d think by now, with all the self-help books and couples therapy podcasts and TikTok relationship coaches out there, everyone would have this figured out. And yet, here we are. Millions of couples lie beside each other in bed every night, feeling further apart than they did when they first started dating.

I’ve talked to a lot of people about this. A woman named Claire — married 11 years, two kids, decent life — told me once that she didn’t fall out of love with her husband exactly. She just… stopped feeling anything particularly strong. It wasn’t dramatic. There was no affair, no blowout fight. Just a slow, quiet drift. “We became roommates who were really good at logistics,” she said.

That description stuck with me. Because I think that’s what actually happens to most couples. Not fire and fury — just a slow cooling of something that once felt warm and alive. And the frustrating truth is, it doesn’t have to be that way. Love isn’t a fixed resource you either have or don’t. It’s more like a garden. You can absolutely grow it back — or grow more of it — if you know what you’re doing.

So let’s talk about how.

How to Increase Love in a Relationship: What the Science Actually Says

Before we get into the practical stuff, it helps to understand what love actually is at a neurological level. Not to make it clinical or cold — but because knowing the mechanics genuinely changes how you approach the problem.

Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who’s spent decades studying romantic attachment, identifies three distinct brain systems involved in love: lust (driven by sex hormones), attraction (driven by dopamine and norepinephrine), and attachment (driven by oxytocin and vasopressin). Most long-term couples haven’t “lost love” — they’ve simply shifted from the dopamine-heavy attraction phase into the quieter, more stable attachment phase.

Here’s the good news: you can deliberately stimulate the dopamine system again. You can reactivate those feelings of excitement and novelty. But it takes intentional effort — and it starts with understanding why the drift happened in the first place.

Common reasons couples lose that emotional intimacy over time:

• Routine replaces ritual — the things that once felt special become obligations
• Emotional bids go unnoticed — small requests for connection that get ignored build up over time
• Unresolved conflict creates invisible walls between partners
• Vulnerability closes down as safety — paradoxically — increases
• Individual identity gets swallowed by the couple’s identity
• Physical touch decreases, which reduces oxytocin levels

Building Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of Deeper Love

If physical attraction is the spark, emotional intimacy is the firewood. Without it, no flame lasts. And yet it’s the thing most couples put off working on — because it requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is uncomfortable for a lot of people.

Emotional intimacy is built through what relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman calls “turning toward” — small, consistent moments of acknowledgment and connection. When your partner says, “I had such a stressful day,” the response that builds intimacy isn’t “Yeah, mine was rough too.” It’s pausing, making eye contact, and saying, “Tell me about it.”

Gottman’s research found that couples who stay together long-term “turn toward” each other’s emotional bids 86% of the time on average. Couples who divorce? Around 33%.

Practical ways to build emotional intimacy in your relationship:

• Practice the “36 Questions” — psychologist Arthur Aron’s famous study showed that mutual vulnerability accelerates closeness. Look them up. Do them together.
• Replace “how was your day?” with more specific questions: “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “Is there anything you’ve been wanting to talk about?”
• Share small moments of fear or uncertainty — not just the big stuff. Vulnerability in micro-doses builds trust over time
• Create a weekly ritual for genuine check-ins — no phones, no distractions. Just 20 minutes of honest conversation
• Acknowledge your partner’s feelings before offering solutions. Most people just want to feel heard first
• Celebrate their wins with genuine enthusiasm — research shows how a partner responds to good news matters as much as how they respond to bad news

Rekindling Romance: How to Get That Spark Back

There’s a reason you can’t just “try to feel romantic.” You have to create conditions where romance can happen naturally. Think back to the early days of your relationship — you weren’t just more attracted to each other, you were also doing more interesting things, paying more attention to each other, feeling more anticipation.

All of that is reproducible. Not identically — you’re different people now, with more history and more complexity. But the neurological mechanisms are still there, waiting to be activated.

In one study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, couples who participated in “novel and arousing” activities together reported higher relationship satisfaction afterward than couples who did pleasant but routine activities. The brain literally cannot tell the difference between excitement from an activity and excitement from a person — it all gets attributed to whoever’s beside you.

Strategies to rekindle romance and deepen attraction:

• Plan something genuinely new together — a cooking class, a day trip somewhere neither of you has been, a sport you’ve both never tried
• Bring back early-relationship behaviors: leave a note, text just to say you were thinking about them, pick up their favorite snack
• Create anticipation — plan something fun so there’s something to look forward to together
• Spend time apart doing your own things, then come back and share. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder when both people have rich individual lives
• Flirt with your partner. Seriously. Banter, playfulness, light teasing — these are not just early-relationship things. They’re ongoing relational nutrients
• Dress up for each other occasionally, not for a special occasion, just because you want to

Healthy Communication: The Thing That Changes Everything

I know, I know. “Communicate better” feels like relationship advice from a fortune cookie. But hear me out — because the research on this is specific and actionable, not vague.

The biggest communication mistake couples make isn’t fighting too much. It’s what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen” — criticism (attacking character rather than behavior), contempt (expressing superiority), defensiveness (refusing accountability), and stonewalling (shutting down). Any one of these, used repeatedly, can erode love over time.

The antidotes are surprisingly simple once you know them. Criticism becomes a gentle startup — “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I’d love to talk about it” instead of “You never pay attention to me.” Contempt becomes appreciation. Defensiveness becomes taking responsibility. Stonewalling becomes self-soothing — taking a break and coming back when you’re regulated.

Communication habits that genuinely strengthen relationships:

• Use “I” statements consistently: “I feel hurt when…” lands very differently than “You always…”
• Ask before advising — sometimes your partner just needs to vent, not be fixed. A quick “Do you want me to listen or help solve?” goes a long way
• Repair attempts matter enormously during conflict. A joke, a touch on the arm, an “I love you even when we disagree” can de-escalate tension fast
• Schedule regular check-ins about the relationship itself — not just logistics, but how you’re both feeling about things
• Be honest about what you need. Most partners aren’t mind-readers, and expecting them to be sets everyone up for disappointment
• Acknowledge when you’re wrong quickly and genuinely. Pride is a relationship killer

Physical Connection and Touch: The Love Language Nobody Skips

Physical touch releases oxytocin — sometimes called the “bonding hormone” — and it doesn’t require sex to do it. Hand-holding, a long hug, a hand on the small of someone’s back as you pass them in the kitchen — all of it matters biochemically. And in relationships where physical affection decreases, couples often report feeling emotionally distant even when nothing else has technically changed.

There’s actually a specific kind of hug that’s been studied: holding each other for 20 seconds or more triggers a significant release of oxytocin. Most couples’ hugs? About 3 seconds. That’s… not quite enough.

Ways to increase physical intimacy and non-sexual touch:

• Hold hands more — while walking, watching TV, sitting at dinner
• Bring back the 20-second hug as a daily practice
• Give spontaneous, non-sexual physical affection with no agenda
• Sit closer together. Physical proximity matters even when you’re just watching something
• Learn your partner’s physical touch preferences — some people love back scratches, others hate being touched when they’re stressed
• Address any mismatches in physical intimacy needs openly and without shame — it’s very common and very fixable

Gratitude and Appreciation: The Underrated Relationship Superpower

Couples in long-term relationships tend to stop seeing each other clearly. Not in a poetic way — literally. You get so used to someone that your brain starts filtering them out, the way you stop noticing the hum of your refrigerator. And when you stop seeing someone, you stop appreciating them. And when you stop appreciating them, they feel it.

Gratitude is the antidote to relational invisibility. Multiple studies confirm that partners who regularly express appreciation to each other report significantly higher relationship satisfaction — and those receiving appreciation feel more committed and more connected.

But here’s the nuance: generic appreciation doesn’t hit the same as specific appreciation. “Thanks for everything you do” barely registers. “I noticed you stayed up late dealing with that insurance thing, so I didn’t have to, and I’m genuinely grateful” — that lands.

Practical gratitude practices for couples:

• End each day by sharing one specific thing you appreciated about your partner
• Text them something you’re grateful for at a random moment during the week
• Notice the invisible work — the things they do that keep your life running that you’ve stopped seeing
• Express admiration for character traits, not just actions: “I love that you’re so patient with the kids” vs “Thanks for doing bedtime”
• Write a handwritten note occasionally. It sounds old-fashioned, but the specificity and intentionality of writing make it land differently
• Keep a shared gratitude journal — even just a Google Doc — where you add things when they come up

Understanding Love Languages: Speaking Your Partner’s Dialect

Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages framework gets a lot of criticism from psychologists for being oversimplified — and honestly, those critics aren’t entirely wrong. But the underlying concept is genuinely useful: people have different primary ways they feel loved, and mismatches create a lot of preventable pain.

The five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gift-giving, and physical touch. Most people have a primary one or two. The problem is, we tend to love others in the way we want to be loved — which often isn’t how they receive love best.

If your partner’s love language is quality time and yours is acts of service, you could be cleaning the house, running errands, and doing everything — and they’d still feel unloved. Because what they need is your undivided attention, not your productivity.

How to apply love language awareness in your relationship:

• Have an actual conversation about it — not just take a quiz separately and never discuss the results
• Pay attention to what your partner complains about or requests most frequently — that’s usually a hint about their love language
• Notice what they do for you most often — people often love others in the language they themselves speak
• Be honest about your own needs instead of hoping your partner figures it out
• Make an effort to express love in their language even when it doesn’t feel natural to you — that stretch is actually the point
• Revisit this periodically — love languages can shift across different life stages

Building a Shared Vision: Love as a Living, Growing Thing

One thing that rarely comes up in relationship advice but makes a huge difference: couples who have a shared sense of purpose and direction tend to stay more deeply connected over time. Not just sharing logistical goals like “own a house” or “save for retirement” — but actual meaning-making. What does your relationship stand for? What are you building together? What matters to both of you beyond the daily grind?

Couples who feel like they’re on a team — actively building something meaningful together — report significantly higher relationship satisfaction than those who feel like they’re just cohabitating or co-parenting. The shared vision doesn’t have to be grand. It could be building a specific kind of home environment, being deeply involved in a community, traveling the world, or raising curious children. But it has to be real and shared.

Ways to create and nurture a shared relationship vision:

• Have a “dream conversation” — seriously, sit down and talk about what you both want your life to look like in 5, 10, 20 years
• Identify shared values and name them explicitly — this is more bonding than most people expect
• Create shared rituals that feel meaningful, not just habitual
• Work on something together — a project, a goal, even a garden or a business idea
• Revisit your “why” periodically — why are you choosing this person, this relationship?
• Support each other’s individual growth and celebrate each other’s evolution

When Things Get Hard: Navigating Distance, Conflict, and Disconnection

I want to be honest with you about something: sometimes the reason love has faded isn’t just routine or busyness. Sometimes there’s real damage — unprocessed grief, accumulated resentment, trust that’s been broken. And in those cases, the strategies above are necessary but not sufficient.

Couples therapy gets a bad reputation — people associate it with relationships that are already over, like a last resort. But the data tells a completely different story. Research from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy suggests that around 98% of couples who go to therapy report it as helpful, and about 90% report improved emotional health as a result.

You don’t have to wait until you’re in crisis. In fact, couples who go to therapy preventatively — when things are fine but could be better — tend to have significantly better outcomes than those who wait until the relationship is already seriously strained.

Signs you might benefit from professional support:

• The same argument keeps happening in a loop with no resolution
• You feel more like roommates than romantic partners
• Contempt has entered the communication patterns
• One or both partners have shut down emotionally
• Trust has been broken and hasn’t been properly repaired
• You want to improve things, but don’t know where to start

The Long Game: Love as a Daily Choice

Here’s the thing about love that nobody really prepares you for: it’s not a feeling that just happens. Well, initially, it is — that early rush is very much neurochemistry doing its thing without your consent. But sustaining love, deepening love, growing more in love with someone over time? That’s a practice. A daily, imperfect, entirely worthwhile practice.

The couples who stay madly, genuinely in love for twenty or thirty years aren’t the lucky ones who got some rare chemistry. They’re the ones who made small investments consistently — who kept showing up, kept turning toward, kept choosing each other in the ten thousand tiny moments that make up a shared life.

Claire, the woman from the beginning of this piece, by the way? She and her husband went to couples therapy, started doing weekly date nights, and made a deliberate effort to actually talk again. She told me recently that things feel different now. Better than they did, actually, even in the early days. “There’s more depth to it now,” she said. “We know each other for real.”

That’s available to you, too. But it requires choosing it.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q1. Can love in a relationship be restored after it’s faded?

Yes — and more commonly than most people expect. Love that has faded is usually love that has been neglected, not love that has genuinely ended. With consistent effort, vulnerability, and often the help of a couple’s therapist, most relationships can rebuild genuine emotional intimacy and affection. The key is that both partners need to want it and be willing to show up for the work.

Q2. How long does it take to increase love in a relationship?

There’s no set timeline, and anyone who gives you a specific number of weeks should be approached with some skepticism. Meaningful change in a relationship is usually gradual. Most couples who commit to the practices above — regular emotional check-ins, new shared experiences, better communication — notice a real shift within a few months. Some see changes within weeks. It depends on the depth of the disconnection and the consistency of the effort.

Q3. What are the biggest mistakes couples make when trying to fix a relationship?

Trying to fix the relationship without first understanding what actually went wrong. Going through the motions of “date nights” without genuine emotional engagement. Expecting your partner to change without changing anything yourself. Waiting too long to seek professional help. And perhaps most commonly: trying to talk about feelings in the middle of a conflict rather than when things are calm.

Q4. Is it normal for love to change over time in a relationship?

Completely normal — and honestly, healthy. The neurochemical intensity of early romantic love is designed to be temporary. What develops in its place, when relationships are tended to properly, is a deeper, more secure form of love that’s actually more sustainable and ultimately more satisfying. The mistake is assuming that because it feels different, it’s somehow less real or less valuable.

Q5. How do I increase love in a long-distance relationship?

Long-distance relationships require even more intentional effort around the things that build love: emotional intimacy, consistent communication, shared rituals, and maintaining anticipation. Schedule regular video calls with real conversation — not just life updates. Send thoughtful messages or gifts. Plan visits with things to look forward to. Be honest and specific about how you’re feeling. The research on long-distance relationships actually shows they can sustain very high levels of emotional closeness when both partners are committed and communicative.

Q6. How does self-love affect romantic relationships?

Profoundly. People who have a healthy relationship with themselves tend to communicate more clearly, tolerate conflict better, have more realistic expectations of partners, and bring more genuine warmth to relationships. They’re also less likely to be defensive, less likely to need constant reassurance, and more capable of genuine intimacy. Working on your own mental health, sense of worth, and individual life isn’t selfish — it’s one of the most loving things you can do for your relationship.

Conclusion: You Already Have What You Need

If you’ve read this far, I want to say something that I genuinely mean: the fact that you’re here, looking for answers, searching for ways to increase love in a relationship — that already says something important about you. Most people don’t bother. They either accept the drift or they leave. You’re doing something different. You’re choosing to try.

Everything we’ve covered in this post — the emotional intimacy, the rekindled romance, the better communication, the physical connection, the gratitude, the love languages, the shared vision — none of it requires you to become a different person. It just requires you to become a more intentional version of the one you already are.

And here’s the truth nobody puts in the headline: learning how to increase love in a relationship is really just learning how to pay attention. Attention to your partner. Attention to the small moments. Attention to what’s working and what’s slowly eroding. Love doesn’t vanish overnight — it fades in the gaps between moments of genuine presence. And it grows back the same way. One real conversation at a time. One unexpected hug. One “I noticed you today, and I’m glad you’re mine.”

Start with one thing from this article. Just one. Pick the section that resonated most and try something from it this week. Not perfectly. Not grandly. Just genuinely. Because that’s how love grows — not in dramatic gestures, but in the quiet, consistent choice to show up for another person.

Your relationship got you here. You can take it somewhere better.