How To Fix a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

How to fix a dismissive avoidant attachment style isn’t a question most avoidants ask themselves. At least not at first. If you’ve landed here, there’s a decent chance someone close to you said something — maybe your partner, maybe a therapist, maybe a close friend who finally got frustrated enough to say, “You shut down every time things get real.” And something in you didn’t fully deny it.

That’s actually a huge deal. Because the hardest part of healing dismissive avoidant attachment isn’t the work itself. It’s recognizing there’s work to do.

I want to be honest with you right from the start: this isn’t a quick fix listicle. There’s no “do these 5 things, and you’ll be securely attached by Thursday.” Avoidant attachment patterns are deeply wired — they were, in a very real sense, survival strategies that your younger self developed for a good reason. The goal of this article is to help you understand why you do what you do, and then give you actual, grounded ways to start doing something different.

What Is Dismissive Avoidant Attachment, Really?

Before you can fix something, you need to understand it properly. Dismissive avoidant attachment — sometimes called avoidant attachment or DA for short — is one of the four main attachment styles first identified by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded on by Mary Ainsworth.

People with this style tend to:

•        Prioritize self-sufficiency above almost everything else

•        Emotionally detach when relationships feel “too close” or demanding

•        Minimize their own emotional needs (and sometimes dismiss others’)

•        Feel uncomfortable depending on other people

•        Pull back, go quiet, or become logically cold during conflict

The tricky thing is, this doesn’t always look like a problem from the outside. A lot of dismissive avoidants are high-functioning. Successful. Respected at work. Independent in ways people admire. But inside relationships — romantic, familial, sometimes even friendships — there’s this invisible wall that never quite comes down.

The roots of this style almost always trace back to early childhood. If you had emotionally unavailable caregivers, who praised independence over vulnerability, or who responded to your emotional needs with dismissal or irritation — your nervous system learned a very clear lesson: needing people is unsafe. Self-reliance is the only reliable thing.

That’s not a character flaw. That’s adaptation. But it becomes a problem when you’re 34, and your partner is crying, and you genuinely don’t know what to do with your hands.

How to Fix a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style: Where to Actually Begin

The question of how to fix a dismissive avoidant attachment style has a frustrating answer at first: slowly, and from the inside out.

Most avoidant healing work starts with the same foundation — awareness before action. You can’t change what you can’t see. So the very first step is getting genuinely honest about your patterns.

Here’s what that looks like practically:

•        Notice when you pull away. Not judge it, just notice. “Oh. I just got a text from my partner, and I felt a flash of irritation I can’t explain.”

•        Start naming what you feel. Avoidants often describe emotions with vague, cognitive language: “I was just a bit off” instead of “I was overwhelmed and scared.” Getting specific is a skill, and like any skill, it needs practice.

•        Track your deactivating strategies. These are the unconscious behaviors avoidants use to create emotional distance — picking fights over small things, focusing on a partner’s flaws, suddenly getting “very busy,” fantasizing about being alone.

None of this requires a therapist yet, though therapy helps enormously. This phase is just about observing yourself with curiosity rather than contempt.

The Neuroscience Behind Why This Feels So Hard

Here’s something that doesn’t get said enough: avoidant attachment isn’t just psychology. It’s also physiology.

Research on attachment and the nervous system shows that dismissive avoidants have often learned to suppress their attachment needs at a neurological level. Studies using heart rate monitors and brain imaging have found that avoidants don’t necessarily feel less — their bodies are actually highly activated during conflict or intimacy. They’ve just gotten extremely good at suppressing that activation, so it doesn’t register consciously.

What this means practically: when you think you’re “fine,” you might actually be running a background program of anxiety that you’ve trained yourself not to feel. This is partly why so many avoidants report feeling emotionally “numb” or describe themselves as “not a feelings person.”

The fix here isn’t to force feelings out. It’s too slow to start building a tolerance for them. Somatic practices — like body-based breathing exercises, mindful movement, or even just sitting quietly and scanning your body for tension — can begin to rebuild the bridge between your body’s signals and your conscious awareness.

This is slow, unglamorous work. But it’s foundational.

Therapy Options That Actually Work for Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

If you’re serious about healing your attachment style, professional support is probably the most efficient path. Not because you “need” it to function — you’re probably functioning fine — but because a skilled therapist gives you something you genuinely can’t give yourself: a real relationship to practice in.

The most evidence-supported approaches for avoidant attachment include:

•        Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Particularly useful for couples, EFT was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and is probably the gold standard for attachment-based relationship work. It helps you identify the negative cycles you and your partner get stuck in and trace them back to attachment needs.

•        Internal Family Systems (IFS) — This modality works with the idea that we all have different “parts” — including a part that learned to shut down and protect. IFS is especially good for avoidants because it approaches that protective part with compassion rather than confrontation.

•        Schema Therapy — Targets the deep-seated core beliefs (schemas) formed in childhood, including things like “I must be self-sufficient” or “Emotions are weakness.” Schema work is slower but can produce big, lasting changes.

•        EMDR — If your avoidant attachment developed in the context of neglect or more overt trauma, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing can help process those early memories so they stop driving your present behavior.

Even standard talk therapy with a therapist who understands attachment theory can be transformative. The key is consistency and honesty — two things that, ironically, require the exact vulnerability avoidants resist.

What Healing Actually Looks Like in Relationships

One of the most common questions people ask is: Can a dismissive avoidant really change? The answer, based on both research and clinical experience, is yes — but the change looks different than people expect.

You don’t wake up one day and stop being avoidant. What happens is more gradual. You start to notice the wall before you fully retreat behind it. You start to feel the urge to shut down and make a different choice — maybe just once, maybe imperfectly. You start to tolerate more emotional closeness without the panic response kicking in as hard.

Some specific relationship behaviors to practice:

•        Stay in uncomfortable conversations longer. Not forever. Just a few minutes longer than your instinct says. Discomfort is the feeling of growth.

•        Make repair attempts after conflict. Avoidants often go cold and wait for things to “blow over.” Instead, practice reaching back — even awkwardly. A simple “hey, I know I got distant earlier. I didn’t mean to shut you out” is genuinely powerful.

•        Let yourself need something. Ask for help with something small. Let yourself be taken care of occasionally. Notice the discomfort and stay with it.

•        Share something real. Not dramatic revelations. Just one thing today that’s actually true about your inner life.

•        Notice your partner’s bids for connection. Avoidants often miss or ignore these. A bid is any attempt to connect — a joke, a touch, sharing something small. Responding, even briefly, matters enormously.

The Role of Self-Compassion in Avoidant Healing

There’s something that happens for a lot of avoidants when they start doing this work: they get angry at themselves. They look back at relationships they damaged or people they hurt, and they turn all that clinical self-awareness into self-criticism. Which is — ironically — just another way to avoid feeling.

Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion is particularly relevant here. She found that self-compassion isn’t soft or self-indulgent. It’s actually the foundation for genuine change. People who treat themselves with the same kindness they’d offer a friend are better able to acknowledge their flaws, take responsibility, and make lasting change — because they’re not spending all their energy managing shame.

For avoidants, this often means:

•        Recognizing that your attachment style made sense, given what you experienced

•        Separating the child who adapted from the adult who can now choose differently

•        Understanding that past behavior does not define future capacity

•        Allowing imperfect progress to be enough

You don’t have to be perfect at vulnerability. You just have to be willing to be bad at it for a while.

Common Triggers and How to Work With Them

Healing avoidant attachment also means getting specific about your triggers — the situations that reliably send you into deactivation mode.

Common ones include:

•        Emotional intensity from a partner — tears, anger, deep vulnerability. Avoidants often feel flooded and responsible, which creates a flight response.

•        Perceived neediness — when someone “needs too much,” avoidants feel their independence is threatened.

•        Conflict without resolution — especially when a partner wants to “process” for longer than feels comfortable.

•        Relationship milestones — moving in together, meeting family, talking about the future. These often trigger a sudden and confusing urge to exit.

•        Being emotionally seen — paradoxically, moments of genuine connection can trigger anxiety and withdrawal.

When you identify your specific triggers, you can develop what therapists call a “window of tolerance” — a practiced ability to stay regulated even when triggered, rather than automatically shutting down. Breathing practices, grounding techniques, and the simple act of naming what’s happening (“I’m triggered right now and I want to pull away”) can all expand that window over time.

Dismissive Avoidant vs. Fearful Avoidant: Why the Distinction Matters

It’s worth briefly addressing this because a lot of people conflate the two — and the approaches to healing are somewhat different.

Dismissive avoidants genuinely devalue closeness. They’ve convinced themselves, on some level, that they don’t need it. They may seem content alone or mildly irritated by emotional demands.

Fearful avoidants (also called disorganized attachment) want closeness desperately but fear it simultaneously. They often oscillate between clinging and pushing away, and their patterns tend to be more volatile.

If you’re reading this and resonating deeply, you’re probably dealing with dismissive patterns. But many people have a blend. A good therapist can help you get clear on what you’re actually working with — and that clarity matters, because it shapes which interventions are most useful.

Building Secure Attachment Over Time

The ultimate goal of all this work isn’t to erase your avoidant tendencies. It’s to develop what researchers call “earned security” — the ability to function in relationships in a secure, stable way, even if that didn’t come naturally to you in childhood.

Research shows this is genuinely achievable. In fact, studies suggest that a significant percentage of people shift their attachment style over time — particularly through therapy and through sustained relationships with securely attached partners.

Earned security looks like:

•        Being able to depend on others without it feeling dangerous

•        Tolerating conflict without completely withdrawing

•        Expressing emotional needs, even imperfectly

•        Feeling genuinely connected without the urge to escape

•        Having a coherent, honest narrative of your own history

It’s not a destination you arrive at. It’s more like a practice you keep returning to. But the people who do this work consistently report that their relationships — and their relationship with themselves — transform in ways they genuinely didn’t think were possible for them.

FAQ: How to Fix a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

Q1. Can a dismissive avoidant truly change their attachment style?

Yes. While attachment patterns are deeply ingrained, they are not permanent. Research consistently shows that people can develop “earned security” through therapy, intentional relationship work, and sustained effort. Change is real, but it tends to be gradual.

Q2. How long does it take to heal dismissive avoidant attachment?

Honestly, there’s no universal timeline. Some people notice meaningful shifts in 6–12 months of consistent therapy. Others work at it for years. The pace depends on the severity of early attachment wounds, the quality of therapeutic support, and how consistently someone is practicing new behaviors.

Q3. What type of therapy is best for dismissive avoidant attachment?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Schema Therapy, and EMDR all have strong track records. The “best” therapy depends on your specific history and what resonates with you. Many people benefit from a combination of approaches.

Q4. Can a dismissive avoidant be in a healthy relationship without therapy?

Yes, but it’s harder and slower. Self-directed work using books, podcasts, journaling, and intentional relationship practice can absolutely move the needle. Therapy tends to accelerate the process because it provides a live relationship to practice in.

Q5. What’s the difference between being introverted and being dismissively avoidant?

Introversion is about energy — introverts recharge alone and may need more solitude. Dismissive avoidant attachment is about emotional regulation and relational fear — it’s not just about preferring quiet time, it’s about using distance to manage anxiety around closeness. Many introverts are securely attached. Many extroverts are avoidant. They’re separate things.

Q6. How do I know if I’m a dismissive avoidant or just independent?

Healthy independence means you can choose to rely on yourself and comfortably rely on others when needed. Avoidant independence has a compulsive quality — depending on others feels threatening or shameful, not just unnecessary. The key question is: does closeness feel like a threat, or just something you don’t always need?

Q7. Can two avoidants have a relationship?

Yes, though it comes with its own challenges. Two avoidants often avoid conflict so successfully that unspoken needs pile up over time. The relationship can feel calm and respectful, but also somewhat emotionally thin. With awareness and effort — ideally with some therapeutic support — two avoidants can absolutely build something real.

A Final Word

Learning how to fix a dismissive avoidant attachment style is some of the most meaningful and most humbling work a person can do. It requires looking honestly at patterns you’ve probably defended for years. It requires tolerating discomfort that your entire nervous system is trained to avoid. It requires letting people in, even a little, even imperfectly.

But here’s what I want you to hold onto: the fact that you’re here reading this means something. The avoidant attachment style is, at its core, a very successful strategy for surviving environments where emotional closeness wasn’t safe. It kept you intact. It helped you function. It’s not something to be ashamed of.

The work of healing isn’t about dismantling who you are. It’s about expanding what you’re capable of. More warmth, more connection, more access to your own inner life — and through that, more genuine intimacy with the people who matter to you.

That’s not a small thing. That’s everything.