There’s a specific kind of torture that comes with a breakup that wasn’t fully finished.
You know the type. The kind where you split up, do the whole “we need space” thing, maybe even date other people for a while — and yet somehow, somehow, that person is still the first one you want to call when something funny happens. Or when something awful does.
I’ve been there. Most people have. And honestly, the hardest part isn’t the breakup itself. It’s the aftermath — that strange, liminal space where you’re technically single, technically moved on, but you’re not really sure either of those things is true.
So what does it actually mean when the connection refuses to die? When you keep circling back to each other like two planets caught in the same gravitational pull?
It might mean the love never actually left. And before you dismiss that as wishful thinking or emotional weakness, hear me out — because there are real, concrete signs that what you had isn’t past tense at all.
Table of Contents
Signs You and Your Ex Are Still in Love — The Ones Most People Miss
Let’s start with the obvious stuff and work our way into the deeper signals, because a lot of people misread the surface-level signs and either chase something that’s gone or walk away from something that still has a real chance.
1. You Don’t Actually Talk About Them in the Past Tense
This is subtle, but pay attention to it. When you’re telling a friend about them — their quirks, their laugh, the way they take their coffee — are you using “was” or “is”?
People who are genuinely over someone almost naturally shift to the past tense. It happens without thinking. But if you keep saying things like “he is so stubborn” or “she has this way of looking at you,” your brain hasn’t filed them under history yet.
That’s nothing. Language is one of the most honest things about us, precisely because we’re not usually paying attention to it.
2. You Both Keep Finding Excuses to Stay in Each Other’s Lives
Sure, sometimes exes stay friends because they genuinely want to, and it works cleanly. But there’s a different kind of staying in touch — the kind where the “reason” keeps shifting.
First, it was returning stuff. Then it was “just checking in.” Then somehow you’re texting about a show neither of you was watching together, and two hours have gone by.
- You reach out over things that don’t actually require their input
- They respond faster than they probably should, given the circumstances
- The conversations keep going longer than either of you planned
- One of you is always the one to say goodnight — and it’s never easy
If both of you keep manufacturing reasons to maintain contact, that’s not a coincidence. That’s two people who aren’t done with each other, even if they’re not ready to say it out loud yet.
3. Being Around Them Still Feels Like Home
This one’s hard to fake and even harder to explain away.
You can be exhausted, stressed, emotionally wrung out — and the moment you’re in the same room as them, something in you just… settles. Your nervous system calms down. The background noise of your day gets a little quieter.
That’s not chemistry in the shallow sense. That’s the kind of attachment that takes time to build and doesn’t disappear just because circumstances changed. Psychologists sometimes call it a “secure base” dynamic — where a specific person genuinely regulates your emotional state in a way few others can.
When that’s still there after a breakup, it’s worth paying attention to. Not every ex gives you that feeling. When yours does, it’s a signal worth taking seriously.
4. You’re Both Still Emotionally Available to Each Other — In Ways You Aren’t With Anyone Else
Think about the last time something hard happened. Where did your mind go first?
If your ex is still the person you mentally call when life gets heavy — even if you don’t actually call them — that tells you something real. The emotional intimacy didn’t evaporate just because the relationship status changed.
And here’s the thing: if they’re doing the same — coming to you when they’re struggling, trusting you with the stuff they don’t share with anyone else — that’s mutual emotional vulnerability. That doesn’t happen casually. Most people wall that off after a breakup, because vulnerability with an ex is risky and complicated. If you’re both still going there, it means the trust is still intact. And trust, after everything, is one of the hardest things to rebuild once it’s gone.
5. Jealousy Is Still Very Much Alive on Both Sides
Nobody likes admitting this one, but jealousy doesn’t lie.
The moment you hear they went on a date — even if you’re the one who ended things — and you feel that specific, low, sick feeling in your stomach? That’s not ego. That’s love that hasn’t finished its business yet.
What’s even more telling is when they show it too. If they get noticeably quieter when you mention someone new, if they ask pointed questions about who you’ve been spending time with, if they suddenly start talking about their own social life in ways that seem designed to make you react — they’re still in it.
- You monitor their social media even when you tell yourself you’ve stopped
- You feel irrationally upset seeing them happy with someone else
- They’ve made comments — even small ones — that suggest they’re watching yours
- You’ve both done the thing where you post something obviously designed for the other person to see
None of this is particularly healthy on its own. But it is honest. Jealousy in this context is often just love wearing a more uncomfortable outfit.
6. The Breakup Reason Doesn’t Feel Like the Real Reason Anymore
This is one of the most significant signs you and your ex are still in love, and it gets overlooked constantly.
In the immediate aftermath of a split, the reasons feel enormous. Distance, timing, different life paths, that one argument that somehow broke everything open. But as weeks turn into months, some people find that those reasons start to feel smaller. Not because they were never real, but because the love underneath them feels bigger.
If you keep revisiting the breakup in your head — not obsessively, but analytically — and you find yourself thinking “we could’ve handled that differently,” or “that problem is actually fixable”… that matters.
And if you’ve had conversations where they’ve said something similar? Have they admitted that they’ve thought about whether things might have gone a different way? That’s not just nostalgia. That’s someone who isn’t at peace with the ending.
7. Your Connection Survived the Mess of the Breakup Itself
Breakups are ugly. They bring out defensive, petty, sometimes genuinely hurtful behavior from people who are usually decent. It’s basically a controlled stress test on two people’s worst qualities.
But occasionally — not often — a connection survives that mess. The anger fades faster than expected. The bitterness doesn’t quite take hold. And what you’re left with is something that looks suspiciously like genuine warmth.
If after everything, you can sit with your ex and actually laugh — not the performative, “look how okay I am” laugh, but real laughter — that says a lot. It means the love was stronger than the damage. That’s rare, and it shouldn’t be brushed off.
8. Physical Attraction Is Still Completely Intact
This one doesn’t need a lot of elaboration, but it does need some nuance.
Physical attraction to an ex isn’t unusual. What is notable is when it’s accompanied by all the other things on this list. When you’re still emotionally open to them, still jealous, still seeking out their company — and the physical pull hasn’t dimmed at all — that combination is significant.
Bodies remember. Touch between two people who genuinely love each other carries its own kind of information. If casual contact — a hand on an arm, a hug that lingers a beat too long — still registers as charged for both of you, that’s not just habit. That’s a live wire.
9. Your Future Plans Somehow Still Include Them
This one tends to sneak up on people.
You’re making plans for next summer, or thinking about what you’d do if you moved to a new city, or imagining going to some event — and without even meaning to, you picture them there. You think about telling them about a restaurant you want to try. You imagine their reaction to a place you haven’t visited yet.
If your vision of the future keeps quietly writing them back into the story, your heart is telling you something your head might be working overtime to ignore.
10. The Conversations You Have Feel Different From Anyone Else’s
Not better, necessarily — just different. Deeper in a specific way. Like there’s a shorthand that took years to develop and that you haven’t found with anyone else.
- They get your references without explanation
- They can tell when you’re off before you’ve said a word
- Silence between you isn’t awkward — it’s comfortable
- They remember the small things — the ones that don’t matter to anyone else but clearly mattered to them
That kind of emotional fluency with another person is genuinely hard to come by. When it still exists with an ex, it’s one of the clearest signs the connection isn’t finished.
So You See the Signs — Now What?
This is where most articles stop. They give you the list, leave you with the feelings, and don’t say what to actually do with any of it.
So let’s talk about that.
Recognizing that you and your ex are still in love doesn’t automatically mean you should get back together. Love is necessary, but it’s not sufficient. The same issues that created the breakup are still there unless something has actually changed — not in theory, but in practice.
What these signs do tell you is that a conversation worth having exists. If both of you are showing these signals, pretending otherwise is just postponing something that hasn’t resolved itself.
Some couples who split and get back together end up in stronger relationships than before because the time apart gave them both perspective on what they actually had — and what they needed to do differently. Others try again and find that the love was real, but the incompatibility was too.
Either way, clarity is better than limbo. And most of the time, people already know what they feel. They’re just waiting for permission to say it.
If you’re sitting with these signs and they’re pointing in a direction you already knew they would — maybe trust that. Not recklessly. Not without a real, honest conversation about what changed and what didn’t. But trust it.
Love that survives a breakup, a period of silence, and all the complicated emotions in between isn’t nothing. In fact, it might be exactly the kind worth not walking away from.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1. Can you still be in love with your ex even if you broke up for a good reason?
Yes, and this is actually more common than people admit. Love and compatibility aren’t the same thing. You can deeply love someone and still be genuinely incompatible in certain fundamental ways. The love doesn’t cancel the incompatibility, but it also doesn’t mean the love isn’t real.
Q2. How do you know if your ex still has feelings or is just comfortable with you?
Comfort and love can coexist, but they feel different. Comfort tends to be passive — they want you around because it’s familiar. Love is active — they seek you out, they’re invested in your life, they respond to you with emotion rather than just ease. Jealousy, emotional availability, and genuine interest in your future are good indicators of the latter.
Q3. Is it healthy to stay in touch with an ex you’re still in love with?
It depends. If both of you are genuinely open to exploring whether things could work differently, communication can be healthy. If one person is trying to move on and the other is using contact to hold on, it tends to delay healing for both people. Honesty about intent — with yourself first, then with them — matters a lot here.
Q4. What’s the difference between still loving your ex and just missing them?
Missing someone is about absence — you miss the habit, the routine, the familiarity. Still loving someone is about them specifically — their presence changes how you feel, their wellbeing matters to you, and you find yourself genuinely invested in who they are, not just in filling a gap. Missing someone fades faster. Love tends to stick around and look for reasons to stay.
Q5. How long does it take to know if getting back together is a good idea?
There’s no formula here, but most relationship therapists suggest that unless the circumstances that caused the breakup have genuinely changed — not just the feelings — rushing back tends to recreate the same problems. Time apart with real reflection is usually more useful than time apart just waiting for pain to fade.
Q6. Can love alone be enough to make a relationship work the second time around?
Rarely on its own. What makes second chances work is a combination of love, changed behavior, honest communication, and a willingness to address whatever broke things the first time. Love is the reason to try — it’s not a substitute for the work.
Still on the fence about what you’re feeling? Sometimes just naming it — writing it out, talking to someone you trust — can bring more clarity than any list of signs. You already know more than you think you do.
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